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20111001
20111031
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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 67 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Oct 21, 2011 1:30am PDT
it backwards, they return to their home dimension. antidepressant use is up 400% since 1988. someone should do something about that but god, it just seems so impossible. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. please, thank you for join joining us. nation... nation, by now you've all heard the big news-- coldplay is here. (cheers and applause) speaking of colds, there's also big news out of libya. jimmy? make the tv speak. >> a u.s. government official now says that libya's leaders have informed us that qaddafi is indeed dead. he's dead, okay, got it. it's official, that's from a u.s. official, he is dead, muerte, gone. >> stephen: yes, qaddafi is dead, muerte, muerto, adios, sayonara, aloha. the good-bye one. (laughter) >> stephen: this morning, rebels seized control of the qaddafi stronghold of sirte where they captured and killed qaddafi, ending his bru
Comedy Central
Oct 7, 2011 6:30pm PDT
us. folks, i've got to tell you, on nights like this when i hear that applause, it's like i've snorted a line of you. (laughter) and folks, i-- i don't know about you but i need the pick me up because we all know the sad news. sarah palin is not running for president. (laughter) feels like my heart quit halfway through its first term. (laughter) and palin, ever the rogue, did not hold a self-serving press conference like chris christie, no, she bowed out of the race the way our founding fathers intended, by having talk show host mark levin read a press release on his show. >> i've just received a statement from governor palin, this is breaking news. and she writes, after much prayer and serious consideration, i have decided that i will not be seeking the 2012 gop nomination for president of the united states. thank you again for all your support, god bless america, sarah palin. governor sarah palin, how are you, my friend? >> how are you, great one? i'm feeling just fine. (laughter) >> stephen: folks, i am as speechless as sarah palin must have been while she was pretending she
Comedy Central
Oct 11, 2011 1:30am PDT
tier by this dark-horse candidate, an expression i use only because he's an unexpected challenger, not because he's a horse. [laughter] now, in the latest cbs news poll, the former godfather of pizza, the hardest working man in the business has vaulted to a tie for the first place with mitt romney at 17%. cain has picked up all the voters who don't like romney, used to like perry and can't have christie. republican voters have been reduced to using the same criteria as a 4:00 a.m. barroom pickup. he has a pulse and no visible cold sores. [laughter] and folks, that is a good thing because cain is on everybody's lips. jim? >> herman cain is surging past rick perry. >> he's now tied with mitt romney for the top spot. >> one candidate continues the rise to the top. we're talking about herman cain. >> take herm cain. look at why he's doing so well right now. i guess you can say with all due respect the flavor of the week because herm cain is the one up there who doesn't look like he's part of that permanent political class. herb cain is from a working-class family. >> stephen: yes, her
Comedy Central
Oct 20, 2011 6:30pm PDT
>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it, is your moment of zen. >> everybodies knows who that is. that is wayne newton. tell me, this is... it look like you're on a date. >> i will support this beautiful lady as long as she wants to go. >> what are you... >> that's pretty good, don't you captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonigs debate in vegas. either that or cirque de soleil is really phoning in it. [laughter] then should we abolish the e.p.a.? 65% of americans say... [coughs] and my guest ali suppan has a new book on terror. you have to take off your shoes and belt to read it. [laughter] the world population will hit seven billion people by halloween, so you might want to buy an extra bag of snickers. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] [audience chanting "stephen"] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: welcome to "the report." thank you, everybody. it's good to have you with us. nation, there was another republican debate last night, which caught me b
Comedy Central
Oct 25, 2011 1:30am PDT
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody, glad to have you with us. thank you so much. please, please, thank you, heroes. heroes all, folks, thank you very much. folks, tonight's show is historic as always. we have got presidential candidate jon huntsman, a new poll places him among the top two mormons in the republican presidential race. but first off, a shocking report on attempts to influence the election by a shadowy organization armed with unlimited money, colbert superpac. now folks, i don't want to brag but we have raised enough cash for me to hire a team of professional braggers. and one of those donations came from two little kids, charlie and grace, 8 and 10, who sent me $13, and a note that meant almost as much as their money. (laughter) >> jim. >> they want to do a lemonade stand for the superpac. they wrote mom says we can't do a lemon said stand for it until you decide what the superpac stands for so let us know. (laughter) kids ask the darnedest questions that the press generally doesn't. so what do we stand for? i asked you to tell me at col
Comedy Central
Oct 24, 2011 9:30am PDT
. it's good to have you with us. nation, there was another republican debate last night, which caught me by surprise because i was not aware that the previous debate had ended. it was first debate since my man herman cain became the republican front-runner. of course, moderator and arctic cloud sprite anderson cooper wasted no time trying to catch cain with the liberal gotcha tactic of quoting something cain had said. jim? >> herman cain, i got to ask you, you said "don't blame -- two weeks ago you said, "don't blame wall street. don't blame the big banks. if you don't have a job and you're not rich, don't blame yourself." do you still say that? >> yes, i do still say that. >> stephen: yes he does. and that message of hope is sure to rally the nation's unemployed to herman cain if they weren't so goddamn lazy. and from there herman continued the cain-ing. >> i still stand by my statement and here's why: they might be frustrated with wall street and the bankers, but they're directing their anger at the wrong place. wall street didn't put in failed economic policies. wall street
Comedy Central
Oct 28, 2011 9:30am PDT
joining us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, steveen, stephen! >> stephen: that came out very nicely. thank you so much. folks, you know, by the way you are chanting you would think i was famous. (laughter) folks, it is a dark day in america. our way of life is under attack from the youth-stapo over at shock-upy wall street, trademarked. we knew they were completely aimless and unto kutsd. now we know they are violent. on tuesday in oakland, california, protestors threw rocks and bottles at police forcing the cops to respond with their own improvised weapons. tear gas canisters, flash grenades and bean bag guns. bean bag guns? really, bean bags? that's nothing more than a high velocity mackey sack you are playing right not protestors' hands. and feet. now tragically, folks, one of the protests injured was an actual american. iraqi war vet scott olsen was hit in the head with a tear gas canister and when protestors rushed to his aid police tossed a flash grenade not group and olsen's skull was fractured. olsen is in the hospital now awaiting brai
Comedy Central
Oct 18, 2011 11:30pm PDT
>> jon: that is our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. the revnd al sharpton will be joining us in the studio. here it is, your moment of zen. >> so we had a bunch of stuff in my office, any home sent to the lab, what did we find? >> interesting for example on the phone they found fecal strep again. >> there's fecal strep on my captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) (crowd chanting "stephen") >> stephen: sorry, i want to tell you, hold on, write the show! (laughter) >> what would you like to search for? >> i don't want to search for anything, i want to write the show. (beeping) >> searching the web for "search for anything i want to write the show" (laughter) >> stephen: sorry, folks, i was just talking to my new iphone 4s it's got voice recognition technology that answers any question. it's really cool and i've been playing with it all day so i lost track of time and don't have anything for tonight's show. (laughter) hold on one second, okay. all right, hold on. come on, baby. come on. what am i talki
Comedy Central
Sep 30, 2011 6:30pm PDT
( cheers and applause ). >> jon: that show. join us all next week at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> as far as we're concerned, the lying, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you. welcome to the report. please, sit down! ( cheers and applause ) thank you, thank you. we've got to go. we have a huge, huge show for you tonight. my guest tonight, my guest will be mark cuban, he is the owner of the n.b.a. champion dallas mavericks and internet entrepreneur and former "dancing with the stars" mumbo king ♪ if you want to go take a ride with me smot ♪ ( laughter ). >> stephen: now, don't worry, i have made him sign a sworn affidavit that he will not make that face ( laughter ) speaking of ( bleep ) grins, colbert's superpac, thanks to the supreme court's citizenses united ruling, superpacs can take unlimbed donations as long as hay don't coordinate with campaigns, and they reveal their donors, as
Comedy Central
Oct 17, 2011 9:30am PDT
to karl rove, a pair of glasses on a ham loaf. ham loaf, thank you for joining us. now, how did you raise all that money? ( laughter ) nothing, nothing. man, he-- he is tough. but luckily, he is also tender. ( laughter ) you see, folkes, i'm irish, and my people believe that if you eat a ham in the shape of your rival's head, you gain all their knowledge. laughter ) and all their sodium, too. here goes. mmm. aaahhhh!gw i am karl rove's memories. his house has a lot of full-length mirrors, and his bath robe has no sash. no! oh! oh! okay, okay. now i know, american crossroads evidently was formed in march of 2010. at the time, they promised "we have created an organization that will be highly transparent, and with that transparency, during the entire month of may 2010, american crossroads raised exactly $200. ( laughter ) evidently, american crossroads had passed go. ( laughter ) so in june, rove created a sister group called crossroads g.p.s., but unlike your car's g.p.s., this one only says. >> turn right, turn right, turn further right. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you see,
Comedy Central
Oct 10, 2011 9:30am PDT
and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everyone. good to have you with us. sit down. thank you, citizens all, welcome to the report. good to have you with us, folks. as you know, i am a huge supporter of republican candidate rick perry spelled with an a. he is a winner spelled with a g for awesome. now unfortunately his name is being sullied by rick perry with an "e" "the washington post" reports that the rick perry family hunting camp once had a racially charged name. it is a hunting camp was evidently called-- okay-- (laughter) how do i put this. okay, okay,-- (laughter) okay, you know what, it says-- somebody help me out here. >> i know that you are refraining from saying that word so i'm going to say what the word was on the rock. the name of the plates was called niggerhead. >> stephen: thank you. of course herman cain can get away with it because it's okay for black people to call each other's family hunting camp that. and folks, this is trouble for perry. but i say this controversy over camp-- um -- >> niggerhead-- (laughter) >> stephen: yes, i say it is much ado abo
Comedy Central
Oct 13, 2011 11:30pm PDT
>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. the great tony bennett will be here in the studio to talk to us. now here it, is your moment of zen. >> on cnn just the other day, they showed a poll where i was like within five points of president obama. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org. >> stephen: tonight, a new way to crack down on illegal immigration. has anyone asked them to leave in espanol? [laughter] and it's the jewish new year, so put on your little flat party hats. then ken burns is here to talk about his new documentary "prohibition." in his honor, i will interview him hammered. amazon unveiled its new ipad competitor, the kindle fire. i'm going to use mine to order the new iphone. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. you're very kind. [audience chanting "stephen"] thank you very much, you especially. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you. welcome to "the report." good to have you with us. thank you so muc
Comedy Central
Oct 27, 2011 9:30am PDT
join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> halloween is just over a wee away, so there's still time to find a great costume. >> this is the do it yourself costume of the year, no? >> i think so. last year it was the chilean miners. this yearcaptioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, a new immigration law has unintended consequences. you can now be deported for taco tuesday. [laughter] then halloween horror. this year someone is handing out crazens. and my guest taylor brant says college athletes deserve to be paid. why? they're just going to blow it on something frivolous like student lobe debt. it's the tenth anniversary of the patriot act. but what do you get for the government that knows everything? this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. [audience chanting "stephen"] >> stephen: yeah. not bad. thank you very much. welcome to "the report." good to have you with us. please. sit down. thank you so
Comedy Central
Oct 24, 2011 6:30pm PDT
report. good to have you with us. folks, i got to say, you do that so well, i could listen to it for six years. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i also want to inform any professors who might be watching, tonight counts as one biochem credit. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: nation, i hope you all had a great columbus day weekend. seems like i'm the only one left who still takes off the traditional nine days. (laughter) >> stephen: that glorious autumn weather here in new york, mild temperatures, not a cloud in the sky. a dog urine index below 4. (laughter) so saturday i took the whole family to times square to see my favorite musical comedy, phantom. (laughter) he's deformed. but i did not need to because we got to see some free spectacular street theatre that seemed to be a combination of "rent", "les mis", "hair" and "stomp" apparently the occupy wall street protest broke out of their fair trade cage free biodegradable free love sweat lodge down in zurcotti park and spread their anti-1 percent message all over the world, from boston to portland to london to tokyo to rome. of cou
Comedy Central
Oct 17, 2011 11:30pm PDT
used to have these things called books. they were like paper. you would hold them in your hand and move them around. we wrote one. and we made it out of a hard cover. now we've made it softer. you can get it. each one of them was given one under their chairs. oh, that's exciting. it goes on sale at midnight tonight. enjoy. here it is your moment of zen. ♪ imagine there's no pizza ♪ i couldn't if i tried captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. folks, i got to say, you do that so well, i could listen to it for six years. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i also want to inform any professors who might be watching, tonight counts as one biochem credit. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: nation, i hope you all had a great columbus day weekend. seems like i'm the only one left who still takes off the traditional nine days. (laughter) >> stephen: that glorious autumn weat
Comedy Central
Oct 6, 2011 11:30pm PDT
new technology and shows you how to use it and takes off in the space ship and you're like wah, what's this green button. strange, unusual character. and won't see the likes of him for quite some time. there it is, your moment of zen. >> your time is limited. so don't waste it living someone else's life. don't be trapped by dogma, which is living with the resulof other people's thinking. don't let the noise of others opinions drown out your own inner voice. and most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition-- intuition. they somehow already know >> stephen: tonight new developments in my colbert superpac. i can't wait to find out if i'm legally obligated it to tell you about them. (laughter) and my guest lieutenant colonel jason amerine has done two tours of duty in afghanistan in the last ten years. halfway through the interview i will turn my interest toward iraq. a scientific panel has recommended against prostate testing. but my prostate was up all night cramming. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( chee
Comedy Central
Oct 26, 2011 9:30am PDT
to the report, thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] and if there are any russian immigrants in the audience i'd like to say a big [speaking russian] [ laughter ] nation, you know i'm a huge fan of apple. i'm always the first to have the iphone, the ipad, the iv. [ laughter ] it drips the internet right into your arm. it's cool. you'll hear about it in six months. [ laughter ] so of course, i was first in line to buy the big new steve jobs biography that came out just yesterday. but now that i have it, and i mean this as no disrespect to mr. jobs, it is a huge disappointment. look. [ laughter ] nothing. nothing. nothing. you turn it upside down, it doesn't re-orient. it just stays -- i can't even find where i put my headphones in. tell me about steve jobs. where is the nearest church or camera store? nothing! thanks, at&t. [ laughter ] you know what? i'll just wait for the next version. i hear it's going to have a revolutionary soft cover. [ laughter ] folks, this political season, like many americans i've been swept up by a category 5 hurrmancain. [ laughter ] he'
Comedy Central
Oct 5, 2011 6:30pm PDT
"report," thank you for joining us. (crowd chanting "stephen") thank you very much. oh, ladies and gentlemen, that is music to my ear. nation, yoon about you, but i could not be more excited about all the options in the g.o.p. presidential field. (laughter) these candidates are like the perfect appetizer sampler platter. you've got pizza bites, crazy bread, boiled potato, texas toast, foie gras, imitation foie gras, uninspected squirrel jerky all with the santorum dipping sauce. (cheers and applause) speaking of being completely satisfied with the republican slate of candidates, chris christie 2012! (cheers and applause) folks, everybody's talking about this guy getting in the race! >> i'd love it. we'd all love it if chris christie got in the race. >> chris christie is exciting. >> he's exciting. >> republicans are looking for a dose of charisma, a jolt of energy. chris christie has beth those in spades. >> stephen: spades, by the way, is not the name of christie's hunting camp. (laughter) and, folks, christie made a big announcement this afternoon. i haven't watched it yet becaus
Comedy Central
Oct 19, 2011 6:30pm PDT
like we used to do back in the day! it's a joke! i don't want to do cocaine! unless maybe donna has some." (laughter) anyway... anyway, today the colbert superpac officially endorsed herman cain for president! ... unless you're not into him in which case i'm just joking. (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you, nation. i'm a member of the clean plate club and i'm proud to announce we are now letting in jews. (laughter) this is thought for food. folks, once again the food police are on the attack. first they came for our sugared cereal and i said nothing. then they came for our trans fats and i said nothing. (laughter) then they came for our salt and again i said nothing because my mouth was jammed with frito's. (laughter) well now, now they're coming for our tots-- both human and tater. jim? >> potato may be getting the boot from national school lunch programs. new federal guidelines look to eliminate potatoes from breakfast and limit them pretty severely at lunchtime. >> stephen: no potatos? why? because they're irish? (l
Comedy Central
Oct 14, 2011 1:30am PDT
kindle fire. i'm going to use mine to order the new iphone. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. you're very kind. [audience chanting "stephen"] thank you very much, you especially. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you. welcome to "the report." good to have you with us. thank you so much. thank you so much. thank you. please, please. folks, folks, you know what, if i were here, i'm sure i would do the same thing. and, folks, everybody out there in not-on-tv land, it must seem to you as though all us celebrities know each other. i bet you think somewhere jerry seinfeld is hanging out having cocktails with taylor lautner and magic johnson. kate winslet is whale hunting with tom hanks. i'm here to tell you, folks, it's all true. as a famous person, i know all other famous people, except for one, george clooney. folks, i have often fantasized about getting invited to clooney's palazzo in italy, getting drunk and going skinny dipping in lake lake como. well, last night on conan, i found out anot
Comedy Central
Oct 12, 2011 11:30pm PDT
>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment o zen. >> tonight on huckabee, man finds god, becomes a savior captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight new developments in my colbert superpac. i can't wait to find out if i'm legally obligated it to tell you about them. (laughter) and my guest lieutenant colonel jason amerine has done two tours of duty in afghanistan in the last ten years. halfway through the interview i will turn my interest toward iraq. a scientific panel has recommended against prostate testing. but my prostate was up all night cramming. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. thank you, please, welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, i've got t
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 67 (some duplicates have been removed)